i don’t know where i stand
I don’t know what he wants, and I don’t know what I want either. I can feel the desire of other people who I hold at arms distance, but the other night, we were with friends and I closed my eyes because I was tired and he briefly placed his hand on my thigh like it was nothing. We share food, we talk until late, we make eye contact and he never looks away first, but sometimes it feels like he’s done it all before and he’ll do it all again and it’s only a matter of time before I get eclipsed by the next girl. He jokes about getting a girlfriend and it’s fine, I don’t care, I don’t care.
Am I resisting or is he resisting or is it both of us? I can’t read him. Why do I always feel like I’m on the losing end? Maybe all I want is to feel his arms around me and then things will be complete.
I feel like this could ruin me if I’m not careful. It feels like everyone else is better at being a person than I am.
There’s things I want to understand, like those button up shirts that guys always wear and how they walk around with the confidence that they’re always going to have everything, and I’ve always thought that if I get close enough it will start to make sense. Sometimes it feels like you can love someone so much but it will never matter because they don’t care and it’s like loving a void. But you can love the world, and it will always love you back. You can love the crisp winter’s air and the way the sun beams through the trees; you can love the solace and the silence; you can love the crunch of leaves beneath your feet.
There’s this boy that I keep seeing around. I see him multiple times a day but we’ve never spoken. I think I should say hi.