thank you for being here
[This post is for T I. I’m not sure if you’ll see this but I went back to look at this blog today after many months and saw that you’d posted in my guestbook. Thank you so much for your encouragement -- it has meant a lot to me. If you have a blog, I’d love to read it too.]
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I’m in my second year of my degree now. I got a part-time job at a sportswear store so that I can pay rent. I moved into a different college so that I could focus better on my studies. I try to study more, and do my readings, and concentrate in class. I do the responsible thing of not drinking and partying during the semester and attending my classes. I want to get better grades so that I can get a good graduate job. My eventual dream is to become an academic.
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My friend called my while I was walking back from one of my exams. Are you right behind me, I asked as I turned around. He was walking only a few meters behind me. I wondered why he couldn’t have just called out.
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One day a friend from work organised to get a lift from one of our coworkers. She asked me to join. When the store closed, the three of us left together. The coworker’s boyfriend was waiting on a bench outside and he had the expression of a petulant child, which probably wasn’t helped by the matching tracksuit set that he was wearing. A few weeks later, I spoke to him briefly while I was drunk at a party. It turned out that I was wrong, and he was quite nice, and he was also looking after my friend while she was drunk. I wonder why my perceptions of people are so often incorrect, and why I struggle to speak to people I don’t know unless I am intoxicated.
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A few nights ago I had two strange dreams. I rarely dream, and these dreams were surprisingly focused, rather than messy and simultaneous and disjointed like they usually are. In the first dream, I apologised to some unnamed person about how I was often rude and cold to my mother. In the second dream, I was sitting in the backseat of my car with one of my friends, and when our hands brushed together instead of moving away he took my hand and held it, which confused me. When my alarm woke me up, I realised that I had organised to meet my friends in half an hour to get food. I was so disoriented and unnerved from my dreams that I tried to cancel so that I could figure out what happened in them, but my friends convinced me to go anyway.